vivica -- so empty and so beautiful

should i stay or should i go??
||7:39 pm||05/11/2004||
As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to
your heart.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)
When it's the same words making me run for cover to
your heart.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)

man today was an ugly day, i had to get to school at 12:30, i made it but i had to stick around til 3:30, only 3 hours but it was 3 hours of hell, i sat next to tiff but that wasent the problem, she was helping me with my work, which was cool, cuz everything went quicker, but i hated that i couldnt talk 2 chad and tell him what all is going on in my head, i'm just hoping taht this isnt going on with me when the weekend comes, i was hoping it was just the benedryl thinking and not me, i love him so much well i think i do, but lateley its been like i dont care about him or relationships anymore, i mean he hasent even done anything wrong but its like this when hes not around and when hes there im like all over him and all lovey dovey, its bullshit. if i dont like him i shouldnt lead him on but i dont wanna hurt his feelings, i still havent mad up my mind, i was talking to a friend last night and he said well is there someone else? and i said no and he said there has to be someone else, maybe its not that. cuz i dont really look at other people that way anymore, i just look at him and check him out and admire him. i havent really felt the need to look at other guys.... maybe thats my decision?? hopefully.. i mean if it isnt then i hope i dont get too mean and totally break him down. grrr i dont know what to do!! man i wish this was as simple as picking out what to wear or what kind of candy to buy, man im just gonna say fuck it and stay where im at, i'm not misserable so i guess this cant get anyworse. i mean it cant.. can it?????

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞falling in and out of love..
||9:57 pm||05/10/2004||
man today ive just been thinking and thinking until it felt like my head was gonna fall off. and i thought about chad all day, i thought about how much i love him and how much i miss him and i think my love for him is starting to fade away. i dont know for sure, maybe im just not thinking straight, who knows but it seems like ive been going back and forth on that so many times like one day i could do without him, and the next i cant live without looking at his picture or hearing his voice. whats wrong with me?? is this normal? will this go away? im really scared to ask him about it. cuz i know he will either get upset or get mad, what if he dont like me anymore after i tell him then this feeling goes away and i go back to wanting him all the time everyday?? man i hope this stops really soon, cuz i love him i really do, but im not sure in what way anymore.. :,(

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞hamburgers anyone
||6:26 pm||05/09/2004||
man ive had so much time to sit and think, man todays mothers day, but thats not whats on my mind, i keep thinking dude what about me and chad?? i was talking to him friday and i was like dude what if i go totally gay again? and he was like i would know, i asked him how and he was like if i go to kiss you or something and if you dont want it, and if it happends often "that means im gay" dude if that happened there would be a few explanations why it would happen,
] [[1]] i dont want a kiss or anything at the moment.
[[2]] i dont like him anymore
[[3]] im gay,
but it just seems like he assumes that way, you know? its like he dont believe i could ever loose my attraction for him, you know? i hope i dont but i know its possible and i accept it, you know? man this whole gay/bi/straight thing is so damn confusing, you know? but hel i hope none of that happeneds or atleast if it does that chad will still be friends with me, cuz i dont wanna block him out completely, you know? i mean i care about him alot, and i dont want him to go, i mean i love him to death but it sems like im not attracted to him for his body or anything, its more of his personality now

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞flu..... :(
||4:14 pm||05/09/2004||
yeah dude yesterday was cool, i talked to chad for a little while on the phone and he made fun of me cuz i was sick, i still am, (i gots the flu, how fun and dandy!!) but yeah he made fun of me for that and he kept thinking i had strep throat and hes telling me like you neeed to go to the doctors babe, i told him i didnt wanna go and he started like talking to me like i was a little kid or something going off sayin "they wont give you a shot michelle they will just look at your throat and give you some damn medicine." but its kinda funny that everytime i go to the doctors they stab me with a freakin needle!!! i just wish he would understand that already, ive tol him a million times i dont like needles, i mean i can get things pierced and get a tattoo, i just dont like shots, and things like that. which sucks cuz whenever i go to the doctors they always stick me with soething either i missed a shot or we need to draw blood what the fuck do they need all taht blood for and what the hell are they putting in my body?? i sure as fuck dont know, and im not sure i wanna find out. and what exactly are all the tests they need to run?? i never see any results or papers for them.. can you say wierd??

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞friday night... mmmmm
||6:37 pm||05/08/2004||
last night was cool i chilled with chad even thought my throat was killing me, its still hurting today. but we walked around i bought some icees for me n him, and some lip gloss and this cool little sponge bob with candy inside, i was so mad today i got my smokes but i cant find my lighter!!! grr i was so pissed, chad was laughing at me when i told him about it on the phone today, (oh hes just no funny... not!!) but yeah it was fun last night he so cant run faster than me hehe. i was like cant catch me !!! and started running and he like couldnt even keep up with me until i stopped, he passed me up i guess cuz he didnt see me stop, but it was fun we was hiding from miranda and brandon. hehe!! but yeah they was by the pet store in the crossing and i saw them and me n chad hurried up and ran behind a pillar, it was so funny cuz i gabbed his hand and we was running i know people were prolly looking like dud e what is up with them lol. but yeah i bought this sponge bob from the card store its got a pirate hat on and hes got his eye all squinted like hes saying arggg or something lol its so cute, chad was like uh.. whats the big thing about sponge bob.. (isnt it obvious??? hes freaking cute!!) but yeah chads just so cute and dumb, he was looking at nail polish when i was looking at lip gloss at target and i was making fun of him, he kept smacking at me and stuff like playin with me whenever i went to bend down to look at something. )(its not my fault im short!!) but yeah he was being all gay so i put my pink lip gloss on him, i almost got him to let me put my lip stick on him, i guess he didnt know his lips were already pink!?!?!? but yeah i had fun, i just wish i could see him today and stuff, but i cant.. :( and i wish my throat would chill already!! ya know? but yeah i was gonna fix his cell phone since he decided to smash it the other day.. (dumb ass) but yeah he didnt bring it so i couldnt fix the screen or the battery, i was thinking about just giving him mine, instead of fixing it, since im getting my other phone turned on anyway ya know? oh well we will see.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞

its better to burn out than to fade away

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