vivica -- so empty and so beautiful

fade away
||12:38 pm||03/04/2004||
I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
man today i just feel like something bad is gonna happen like im gonna get into an argument, i sat at school and just felt like crying for no reason at all. it hurt but i dont know why, its like i got a lump in my throat and its just sticking there,. i just feel like im in a funk but i have no reason to be. theres nothing bad in my life right now besides us getting ready to move, maybe thats what im worried about or maybe i just miss my baby.i dont know. other than that everything is fine. maybe im bi-polar who knows. man i have been thinking and writing all day, like just being sad and unattached to reality.
if you wanna go,
then just leave
i dont wanna be
the one to stand in your way
i dont wanna be the one crying
and begging you to stay
everytime when we argue
i just wanna break down and cry
i dont like it when you yell
i hate it even more when we fight
today you looked down at your hand
and took off your ring
you threw it at me and yelled
"fuck this, fuck everything"
you threw the vase down,
and looked me in the eye
walked toward the door
and left without saying goodbye

thats what i came up with all day why am i writing shit about this? why arent i writing happy pretty stuff? i mean before i was writing things like depressing shit cuz i was sad and lonely but im not sad and lonely anymore.. i hope i see him friday i miss him alot... :(

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞myway
||1:18 pm||03/01/2004||
special, you think your special you do,
i can see it in your eyes
i can see it when you laugh at me
look down on me and
you walk around on me just one more fight
about your leadership and
i will straight up leave your shit
cause i've had enough of this
and now i'm pissed (yeah)
this time i'm a let it all come out
this time i'm a stand up and shout
i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
this time i'm a let it all come out
this time i'm a stand up and shout
i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
just one more fight about a lotta things
and i will give up everything to be on my own again,
free again this time i'm a let it all come out this time
i'm a stand up and shout i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
this time i'm a let it all come out
this time i'm a stand up and shout
i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
someday you'll see things my way
cause you never know,
no ya never know when your gonna go
someday you'll see things my way
cause you never know,
no ya never know when your gonna go
just one more fight and i'll be history
yes i will straight up leave your shit
and you'll be the one who's left missing me (yeah)
this time i'm a let it all come out
this time i'm a stand up and shout
i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
this time i'm a let it all come out
this time i'm a stand up and shout
i'm a do things my way,
it's my way, my way or the highway
someday you'll see things my way
cause you never know,
when ya never know
when your gonna go
someday you'll see things my way
cause you never know,
when ya never know
limp bizkit
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
today i had to watch a movie in school called Finding Forester. but man i just thought so much today i felt like writing everything down but i didnt, i was thinking about whats gonna happen when i move, things that happened over the weekend, things that happened saturday mistakes that were made apologies that were said. things that ive said in the past that probably made people mad and didnt care. people ive hurt and didnt think twice i used to think being cold was ebing strong but i think admitting your wrong even when your not just to put the problem to rest might be a better strong sure it makes you swallow your pride and put yourself on the line but oh well so fucking be it, i thought of all the shit ive token advantage of and things i did right, and i wonder if they are even acountable for anything i know i sound like some one whos "found god" but belive me i havent, im not taking a religious turn. thats just not me. i looked through acouple entries i wrote a while ago and i saw myself bitching about me n hazle not liking each other any more, and me n timmy not being together anymore and i just dont seee why i was bitching so much i guess to get it out and off my mind but it still seemed pointless. i mean dont get me wrong sometimes i sit down and think about people i used to be friends with especially those i was close to but bitching about it isnt gonna erase the shit that was said or the things that were done. i guess im growing up more and seeing my mistakes better. oh well gotta go make another cd, something with some screaming on it.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞eraser
||9:34 pm||02/27/2004||
some days are better, they're better than others
can't run forever, you're pushing me under
what a way to live my life
i'm hiding from the battles i don't want to fight
what i've become
and now it's going grey
all the lines are blurring and decayed
i can't recall exactly who's to blame..... anymore
is it me or is it you , something isn't right
of all the things that we could do we just wanna fight
someday i will find the courage to embrace you
someday i will find the strength to erase you
some days i think i'm nothing without you
sometimes i wish that i could just kill you
what a way we live our lives
it's hard to breathe
it feels like i'm infected by my dad's disease
and now it's going grey
and you're the one i chose to feed me pain
and i'm the one you bring home so ashamed..... through their eyes
~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥
man today was kinda wierd i cleaned up the house so a realiter could come in and show the house, i made a cd with the smile empty soul song i used above the hearts, and i also found my lil circle thing that i hole my cds in, (really cool lol) anyways hopefully tomorrow i see my honey, we didnt go out 2night cuz he said he wanted to go out tomorrow night.. i have no idea what he wants to do, or where he wants to go. oh well i guess ill find out 2morrow, or something. man i feel like shit ive been eating cough drops all day, which were nasty as hell i think i fucked my throat up pretty bad, which sucks. but hell if it dont get to the point where im loosing my voice then im alright i guess, but hell i need to get some smokes, and i wanna walk around tomorrow night if its still nice out. maybe walk p to the card store and fuck around in there or something. hehe anyways ima go eat some more cough drops.
∞ I ♥ Chad ∞

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞Shadow of a man
||1:10 pm||02/24/2004||
Mirror mirror upon the wall I'm asking you,

Who is the most confused of them all?

Mirror mirror subservient twin screams back

At me "You".

You sick flawless mime, I want to break you

Yeah, you're a clever one...

Is this a tool, can I step through, to find

Another plane,

Or just a shadow of a man

A superficial tool, to support the vanity,

Of weak, when you don't love yourself

If life's as painful on your side, I'll break your

Existence and cut through mine

You're a clever one

Is this a tool, can I step through, to find

Another plane,

Or just a shadow of a man

Are you my brother, you look like me,

Trapped inside another world my lost twin

A superficial tool, to support the vanity,

Of weak, when you don't love yourself

Mirror upon the wall, am I the reflection

Of you,

Mirror upon the wall, are you staring back

Through

Understanding has no place within my world

On your side

Is this a tool, can I step through, to find

Another plane,

Or just a shadow of a man

Are you my brother, you look like me,

Trapped inside another world my lost twin

Are you a tool, can I step through, to find

another plane,

I'm just a shadow of a man

Just a superficial tool, to support the vanity,

Of weak, when you don't love yourself

~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ~µ

today was ok.. nohing special, i miss my chad. friday is taking its time to get here..

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞numb
||7:41 pm||02/19/2004||
Bleeding now I'm
Crying out I'm
Falling down and I'm
Feeling nothing like
Laughing now I'm
Stopping now I'm
Reaching out and I'm
Feeling nothing
Yeah, you have created a rift within me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing
Crawling now I'm
Beaten down I'm
Tortured now and I'm
Feeling nothing like
Hunting now I'm
Stalking now I'm
Reaching out and I'm
Killing nothing
I can feel you ripping and tearing
Feeding and growing inside of me
I want this, more than you know
I need this, give it back to me
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
dude i went to the dollar store and saw this squishy water globe thingy, its so cool, lol, its got a smiley, and its got pretty glitter in it, its like a water balloon but not you know? that and i bought 2 more black notebooks with black paper and i bought some lil gel pens to write i it, which are all sparkly lol so yeah its pretty. heh. man i hop i get out 2morrow night, you know? but shit i dont wanna be stuck in the house the rest of the week next week either, man i need to get me a job. you know? so i could get out of the house actually do something in my spare time, and get money for it at the same time, :) sweet. lol

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞

its better to burn out than to fade away

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