vivica -- so empty and so beautiful

yeah boi!
||11:52 pm||01/16/2004||

that was long over due, i got out cleared my head, chilled with my baby, oh god i feel so fucking good. yeah

oh shit my mind is yellin "yeah boi!!!" oh man i fel so damn good, except i have a huge headache like a hangover but hey that will pass.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞tylers song
||12:27 pm||01/16/2004||
Go son

If you get up but they strap you around
Then just remember that I will always be there
When I say to you daddy loves you understand
I'm out in the real world again I'm trying

Raise your guard again
They don't give a damn

Don't compromise your ideals for anyone else
Respect your mom and always think of her first
When I say to you daddy loves you understand
I'm out in the real world again I'm trying

Raise your guard again
They don't give a damn

Son, if the sun don't shine
I'll try like hell to make light from the dark
Son if the sun don't shine
I'll try like hell to make light from the dark for you

Raise your guard again
They don't give a damn

Go son
~>~>~>~>~>~>~~>~>~>
do i need medication?
will that make the pain go away?
is that my only solution?
to be fucked up on pills all day?
all of this solitude
just brings me down,
it brings enough blood and tears
to make me drown,
rust eats away at time
the clock is almost ran out
the lime light was never mine
the combination was right,
its getting darker out here
im loosing my eye sight
ill see you in hell my friend
im on my way..
to the darkest end

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞booom.
||3:45 pm||01/15/2004||
Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle
One womb
One shape
One resolve
Liberate this will
To release us all
Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream
Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment
And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
Keeping me from killing you
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
man that song is sad i dunno why but it just gives you that sad feeling ya know? i remmeber listening to it when i fisrt got that cd n was like.. whoa deppressing. but today was kinda crummy, i felt like shit taking that test we had, its like a mid term, and we kept getting in trouble cuz we kept talking, but it was funny. oh well, but i get my report card tuesday, wonder how my grade is.. hmm..but it was funny i had a question on martin luther king and i kept singing that song from american history x where the fAT guy kept saying "the white man marches on," in my most hill billiest voice i could, tee kept busting out laughing. but i was gonna give *D* my number today and i didnt, god im so stupid it would have been perfect cuz if he would have calle dor something we could have hung out, or if he didnt and just threw it away i could have just gotten it outa my system and just forgotten about it over the weekend. you kno? like just would ahve stopped saying to my self, what if he does like you.. what if he didnt throw it away?? the worst he could say is no, or just say i have a gurl or something you know??? he didnt make a big deal out of it when i had tee tell him i liked him so i guess it wouldnt be too different.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞in a hole
||10:37 pm||01/12/2004||
GRIND
In the darkest hole, you'd be well advised
Not to plan my funeral before the body dies, yeah
Come the morning light, it's a see through show
What you may have heard and what you think you know, yeah
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside
Sure to play a part, so you love the game
And in truth your lies become one and same, yeah
I could set you free, rather hear the sound
Of your body breaking as I take you down, yeah
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside
In the darkest hole, you'd be well advised
Not to plan my funeral before the body dies, yeah
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
man that song makes me feel bad, i dont know why, i listeden to that and to brother by alice in chains and it made me feel kinda crummy, man im a sap, anyways hopefully i get the fuck outa my lil hole

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞webble wobbles but dont fall down
||1:39 pm||01/12/2004||
man i hate cincinnati hate everything here, if it wasent for the people i know and love that are here i would have ran a long time ago, like run away to canada or something, but dude its just so stupid here, the police are so stupid, man all of this shit is just so irritating, i wanna leave the country, even the planet and just never look back, i dont care what i leave behind. i just wanna get away. im tired of feeling like this, it gets really old quick its like being a piece of dried up play-doh or something, your stuck in the shape your in, you can get a few drops of water on you to make you moldable again but who wants to take the time and effort to do it? you know. i used to think the world was such a great place, its really not when you dont belong, its like your life is a living hell, you get scared to talk 2 certain people, you get ugly n deceteful stares in public, i listened to some weezer, mostly "say it aint so, and photograph," and "ordinary world" by duran duran. ,man im in such a bull shit mood, i hate this shit. i feel like a weeble, except when people hit me i fall down for the count

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞blood and beauty marks
||12:19 am||01/11/2004||
the more i think the shittier i feel, i try to think of other things but it dosent work, why am i still feeling lonely?? i hate it, thes the worse feeling in the world. to feel alone. its like your on a deserted island and your the only one there. i have that feeling all the time, when im at school, even when im out in crowded public places, no one knows what im feeling or what im thinking, its like being in a forgien country and you dont speak the language, i guess i finnaly got paid back for all the hit ive put guys through when i was so loved by the guys at school n shit. i guess i shouldnt have taken it for granted. why do i always have an ounce of fun but get a gallon of pain to drown in after wards? its like im not suposed to be happy, like ill talk to someone but they will end up being 14 or 15 years old. why is it that no one my age is interested in me????? am i too short for my age? do they think im younger? do i look gross? am i like guy repealant?? whats going on. i havent really had the nerve to try n make new friends, like new girl-friends or guy-friends, i dunno, i just havent really been very social, i feel like i dont fit anywhere like im on the outside looking in. i hate this feeling, this situation, this problem, i dont know what to do or how to solve it, i feel hurt, digusting and used, i dont know why but i just feel like theres a layer of filth on me that wont wash off. no matter how hard i scrub, it hurts after a while cuz my skin gets bloody and rough. man depression just isnt no joke, it hurts the think about your past, your problems and feelings, how did i turn down this road? i wish i would have looked before i walked. or some thing to prevent this, cuz this just isnt working, being sad all day, crying all night. im hoping there is a light at the end of th tunnel, and that i get out of the dark soon. its making me think im a fool, an idiot and a failure, maybe i need help? i carved into my arm again not with a knife, i used a safety pin and just dug at my skin till i saw it turn all red and glossy. it scabbed pretty nicely

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞yeap thats me
||4:34 pm||01/10/2004||
"I Miss You"
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends
(I miss you I miss you)
(I miss you I miss you)
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
this song is cool, i heard it on the radio today, i dunno why but blink is kinda sounding emo, you know? like thier new stuff is anyway, man i feel like shit, not im not sick or anything, my mind is just in shitty shape, god im a loser

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞miserable
||2:45 pm||01/09/2004||

Miserable
Stuck to a chair
Watchin’ this
Story about me
Everything goes by so fast
Making my head spin
Used up all of my friends
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love the things that we should fear
I’m not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
Nothing to share
Why should I
Care if you’re near me
Give up all of my plans
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love the things that we should fear
I’m not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable
I love the things that we should fear
I’m not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

dude i knew i was a total geek >_< i didnt have school cuz its friday yay!! i still feel stupid cuz im so damn shy around guys, i guess i can always do it next week, cuz he dont live anywhere near the places i hang out and i dont see him outside of school which would be nice if he did. man i love that song lit sings called misserable cuz it reminds me of my past expieriences with guys, id put more time into them than me and things i wanna do. why am i so generous to them? why cant i ever just be nice and thats it, like not be mean to them but not spoil them either, its like they use me up and then burn me. why cant i ever learn you know? oh well i guess my head is thick and we will see if i ever really learn from my mistakes.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞♥ crushes, ♥
||8:49 pm||01/08/2004||
man today just felt wierd, i didnt feel nervous, i felt like i was annoying, like i was wanting mass attention. i kno i was getting on tee and *D*'s nerves, it snowed alot today, and i went outside, i looked at my foot prints and i do have some very very small feet i guess its cuz im short i dunno, dude i was just looking at my prints and i just felt like i was an inch tall. like damn, why am i so little? i wish i were taller, but im not, i guess plat-form shoes will make me taller, or just wear heels? anyways i was gonna give *D* my cell number today but my mom called yelling saying she was outside waiting for me to come out of school. my god that just comes outa no where huh? it just really makes me mad, i dunno why but it just does. its like grr god dammit, i wasnt too shy to actually sit outside and talk 2 him today, i stood out in the snow talking to him on break just bullshitting so i could hear his voice, oh well it didnt matter that it was cold and that i was getting snowed on. i didnt care, he has a cute voice. dont ask me why im just a goober for saying that. i wish i had the balls to tell him hey, your cute, i want your number, but im not the big out in the open type, i try to chill and not really put myself out there alot you know? but i guess i gotta say something sooner or later cuz if i dont soon we will move and i might miss out on something nice or something. why am i sucha doofus? lol anyways i checked into a html site and i changed my guestbook layout, its still the same style from blue swirl, i just made it unique, so its more into my taste now hehe anyways my bro bought american history x, awesome movie gotta watch it

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞

its better to burn out than to fade away

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