vivica -- so empty and so beautiful

no sleeping pill, no old tatoo will save you now..
||1:40 pm||04/21/2004||
yesterday was great but it went sour around 7, as some of my close friends and some people who read this know im not totally on the straight side, in sexuality, in mental health and in emotional health. i went down to my new house yesterday, and we were cleaning it up so we can move in our stuff. well i looked outside and i was really sad about moving so far away from Chad. well i saw a cute girl walking down the street and i was texting Chad and said wow we have cute nieghbors, he got all bent out of shape cuz he thought i was looking at another GUY. i didnt see why he got all bent out of shape, becuase i forgot he wasent around he couldnt see what i was looking at.. it turned into a whole arguement and i said i thought u didnt care that i was bi.. he instantly didnt seem mad anymore, and by that time i was to the point where i just wanted to break my nokia on the patio out back. we argued about it until about 11 last night, for a good four hours, which really upset me, cuz i said you thought i was looking at another guy didnt you?? he said yeah, i asked "dont you trust me?? " he said i dont trust anyone. wich really upset me becuase that included me too. how can you say you love someone if u dont trust them?? i cried the whole night last night until i felt like i couldnt breath, and finnaly passed out at like 1 or 2, he said he was sorry and that he wished he could trust me and made up excuses. how can you not trust someone ???it just dosent make any sense!! i hate thinking about this. it breaks my heart to think this guy says he loves me but dont trust me at all, i mean how would he feel if i did the same??? he said he was crying last night cuz he told me "i love you" and i just said "do you really" of course i wasent gonna say i love you too. he had just made me feel so hurt, and ugly inside fom just saying that he didnt trust me. how could you tell someone that and expect them not to burn? i just felt so sad and worthless when he said that, like my heart just dropped and hit the floor, he asked if i still wanted to be with him, of course i do, it just tears at me when i think wow, i dont deserve his trust "he will never change, hes not that brave, he will never tell you that your beautiful" i guess ill never be beautiful

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞vivica
||3:09 pm||04/20/2004||
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I watch you burn in humid hell
No sleeping pills no old tattoos
will save you now
He'll never change he's just too vague
he'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I watch you sit I watch you dwell
No crooked spine no torn up rag
will save you now
He'll never change he's not that brave
He'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I'll sit right here I'll never tell
no tender scar no twist of fate
will save you now
He'll never change he's just not there
He'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you will I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
She's empty and so beautiful
I'll keep her here with me
[x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]
i love that song its by jack off jill, today was kinda good kinda bad, i didnt fight with chad at all.. but i did get into some shit at school. this girl i dont like is starting at my school tommooorw i told jason that it would most likely be a problem because me n her have had our problems for a while at school. (at west high) but yeah shes so nasty, and she thinks she looks so good but she dosent. shes ugly, her teeth are messed up. and shes not pretty at all. but yeah im sure that will be fun. but hell i miss chad, i think his text might have gotten turned off again, who knows. but yeah ive been trying to text him and he hasent been texting me back. maybe his battery died again. who knows.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞u
||5:17 pm||04/19/2004||
Take back those tears
That you sometimes cry
I'll be right here
Till your fears subside
It won't take long
You just need some time
Why can't you see
That I want you
I need you
In everything
That I do
I want you
Cause I love you
And everything
About you
Take back those years
That you try to hide
Relax yourself
Don't lose your mind
Why can't you see
Who you can be
That I want you
I need you
In everything
That I do
I want you
Cause I love you
And everything
About you
socialburn
[][][][][][][][][][][][][]
today was better than last night, had another fight with chad, i guess it was just another bump in the road cuz everything seems to be cool now im not liking the missdirected hostility lately, he said he was "mad at his family and that i got caught in the cross fire" i have issues at hoem too but i dont act likea mean and utter bitch who knows maybe im just over looking this i dont know. we will see whta happeds later or something

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞same old shit, different day
||1:02 pm||04/17/2004||
man last night was hectic, me n chad was at eachother last night, he broke his cell phone, but he fixed it i guess cuz hes talking to me now, so i guess we are all cool now, i got a crazy fortune in my profile thingy on aim it said "You are open and honest in your philosophy of love." i guess its a good thing, who knows, but yeah me n him are going out tonight i wanna make it up to him for our fight last night but i dont know what i should get him or where i should take him out to say im sorry. i was thinking about putting that picture on here but i dont know if i will or not, becuase its not the best picture of him, and his beard is really thick and its not that thick anymnore, he keeps trimming it, he looks better that way anyway. but yeah i hope he isnt still mad tonight.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞nazi halo
||11:57 am||04/16/2004||

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞the other side
||2:03 pm||04/15/2004||
i walk into the room

you don't have to scream i can hear you

bad trip, the needle sticks

you get your fix from confrontation

i try to make it past

i don't wanna get into it right now

can't this family have one day

to get away from all the pain

and through the night i see the light

shining from the neighbor's windows

i dream of life where i'm safe

in a home where i am not alone

some day i will lay me down

on the grass where everything is greener

it always seems so good on the other side

i'm sick of all the heat

you can taste the hate in the air

running through this family, uncomfortably

it's burning me

is anybody there

in your eyes there's nothing to see

just because your dreams have died

don't drag me down, i've still got mine

neighbor boy runs up to me, his eyes all black and blue

i say what happened to you boy, he said my daddy flew

off the hook cos i was playin too loud

i guess he couldn't hear the tv

he said son i'm a teach you a lesson

and then he .... and then he....

maybe it's not so good on the other side

but it always seems so good, on the other side

it always looks so good .... it always seems so good

smile empty soul

[*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*]

man today is going so slow, ive been cleaning, and im running out of things to do, i think im getting cabin fever, i wanna get out, ya know? its just so damn boring here, i wanna get me a job so i have something to do, ya know? ive been mean to chad today, ad i dont know why, he as asking personal questions about me and i just blew up basicly. i told him i wanted to go lay down, he asked whats wrong, (if someone tells you hey i wanna lay down why would u ask them more questions, would u poke a angry bear with a stick? no..) its just so dumb you know? i dont mean him, i mean how im being so bitchy, he noticed it too. i think. he said something like i had some carnation instant bitch this morning.. why does he feel the need to ag me on?? does he think i think its funny?? who knows. but damn i was ready to explode. i felt like throwing my phone, but i thought about it, and i cant do that, i slammed it the other day and i think i messed up the 9 button, because every now and then ill be texting and it will decide not to work. and i cant text chad without the 9 key cuz he has a 9 in his number. so its just more aggrivation and irritation on my shoulders for me to deal with. maybe im just being bitchy, who knows. maybe if i go lay down ill feel better. who knows, cuz venting out on this thing dosent really help, in all honesty i dont know why i even write in this thing any more. maybe its an addiction, who knows, man i need a smoke, maybe that will help.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞time is running out
||3:24 pm||04/14/2004||
I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted
now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?
ooooohh
you will suck the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh
muse
[x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]
today was cool, chad woke me up again today, i guess hes gonna be my alarm clock.. who knows, but yeah we texted eachother all night again last night, he kept me up until about 4 in the morning, which was cool cuz we talked about alot of stuff, and i like our little talks but i didnt get much sleep cuz he woke me back up at 11 this morning. it was cool that he was he first thing i woke up to this morning but i guess i just wish he would wait til a later time to wake me up. ya know? but yeah friday we are going to go play pool. just me n him most likely, but if he brings his friends then thats cool, just as long as i dont have to bring my sister. (it just feels kinda lame with her around on our dates) but yeah i miss him and stuff, i got this cute picture of him he said it was taken on christmas, he actually has hair in it though (he shaves his head) he looks different but not much. i was thinking about scanning it but i think id rather get a more recent picture of him, like one of the both of us, maybe next time me n mandy chill with him ill get a picture of all of us, or something, im sure that would be cool, or maybe ill get one of him over the summer, when its nicer out.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞house of a thousand corpses
||3:36 pm||04/13/2004||
she had a corpse
under her bed
he had her fun
but now he's dead
hear momma said
come feed desire
her brother said
hey, throw her on the fire
this is the house
come on in
this is the house
built on sin
this is the house
nobody lives
this is the house
you get what you give
i cut the flesh
and make it bleed
fresh skin
is what i need
i let it dry
out in the wood
all your crying
did no good, yeah
now you're lying
on the floor
yeah, you can't
take anymore
the devil's laughing
in your face
give me another taste, yeah
|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|
today was cool, i treated my hair since i dyed it again, its like a redish brown, i hope chad likes it, i dyed it the night before easter, it loks cool but it didnt get as bright as i wanted it to, but it feels all soft now since i put that color treat stuff on it. i was afriad that my scalp was gonna turn colors but it didnt, any ways i slept til 10:30 today then chad woke me up, aparently i fell asleep on him last night while we were texting eachother (thats what he gets for keeping me up til 1:30 in the morning) i got a few more days of spring break, which is cool, im liking that i get to sleep in, but hell its boring sitting in the house all day, im starting to like that im gonna be moving into a better neighborhood. ill be able to get up and leave whenever i want, instead if sitting here til 5 with thease anooying ass kids all day til my parent get home and DRIVE me a half hour away from here so i can go walk around and burn off some energy, its stupid. how does that make sense what so ever?? thats just it, it dosent make sense. its pointless. ya know? but hell ill be glad when its the weekend, ima be going to rack n roll. which will be nice, becuase i wont have my sister with me it will be just me n chad, me n him will get some alone time, which is cool, i like chilling with him alone, he talks about more interesting things and cool stuff when we are by ourselves, hes also like a different person, maybe he will bring his friends, who knows, but that will be cool to play pool with him, he says hes gonna show me how to play pool, (whatever ill show him a thing or two,) lol this should be good, but yeah maybe ill kick his ass in pool.

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞#1 crush
||2:54 pm||04/10/2004||
I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear
I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart
I will lie for you
I can steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me
Violate all my love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
man last night was crazy, ya know? but damn it was cool though, i went out with chad, and shit but i took mandy and she got on my nerves really bad, but chad kept pulling on me everytime i went to smack her so i couldnt touch her. lol but yeah it was fun i guess, but not really cuz the night ended. thats the only times i get das around chad is on the ride home, cuz i know as soon as we get by leamon road hes almot gone ya know?? it sucks, cuz we dont talk at all in the car, he just chills, and looks around, and listens to the radio, i guess hes afraid of saying the wrong thing? he said he was afraid of my dads driving, maybe hes afraid of my dad getting into an accident? who knows hes so wierd sometimes. but i guess thats just the quirks of having a boyfriend? i dont know. well i guess im just glad he dont burp or do anything gross around me. if he did it would be so over lol. but yeah i hope he gets minutes man thats making me so mad grrr.. lol

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞true love
||2:42 pm||04/09/2004||
A girl asked him if he thought she was pretty. He replied no. She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever. He said no. She asked him if she walked away, would he cry? He yet again said no.
Hearing enough, she started walking away. Then the boy grabbed her arm and said to her, "I don't think you're pretty; I think you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever; I need to be with you forever. And if you walked away, I'd die."
::*::*::*::*::*::*::*::*::*::*::
this is so cute i found it on perfectly imperfect but i saw that and was like awww. hehe, but yeah hopefully chad calls me today so we can go out, we didnt talk a whole lot yesterday, he texted me for like 20 mins then he went out with his friends, hopefully he dosent break plans tonight, cuz i really wanna see him. but yeah he said he found me a pivcture of him from christmas but he didnt know if it was a cuyte pic, (how couldnt a picture of HIM be cute? hes gorgeous!!) lol but anyways he needs to get minutes again so we can text each other, but yeah my sister is coming with me tonight so that ight be hectic, but its all cool, i prolly wont even notice ya know? but yeah im bringing a buddy for her so its all good. but yeah he said he shaved his face again i hope he didnt buzz off his beard again, cuz i think it looks really cute on him, but yeah i guess ill see tonight or 2morrow night. sunday is easter. wooot! but yeah hopefully everything goes as planned tonight so im not lonley all weekend, but yeah i miss chad mass, grr this sucks but yeah hopefuklly i get out of this damn house today ya know?

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞something real
||1:43 pm||04/08/2004||
This broken day will come and go
Broken and battered with nothing to show
Could this be the better part of my life
Something to hold on to white knuckle tight

I wait for something
You gave me nothing
I wait for something real
Something real

In the air I hear the sound of your voice
Too many questions with no clear choice
On my mind are the clouds in your sky
Will they rain down on you the day that I shine

I'd get down on my knees
With open wrists begging please
Oh won't you be my angel of sweet nothing

All that was said about the feelings I've bled
I want to disappear
My paddled flower, my finest hour, I've
Grown so tired of living this lie
.::*::.::*::.::*::.::*::.
today was ok, i didnt get to talk 2 chad while i was at school, since he ran out of minutes, but yeah i talked to hoim prety much all day, which was cool. ya know? well me n him are going out 2 morrow night which is cool cuz i miss him alot, ya know? but yeah i cant wait. ive been talking to him all week which was fun cuz we hardly ever do that its mostly just a quick i love u or like five minutes a day or something. but yeah thats cool, i hope he gtes mins or texts me today so i can see what all is going on tomorow

∞ I ♥ Chad ∞

its better to burn out than to fade away

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